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Welcome to the blog and site of Iowa Author Buzz Malone. I always enjoy hearing from readers. Please leave comments and send me emails to let me know what you think. Your opinions matter more than you might think. Your words inspire me more than you could ever know. To find out more about my writing and books, please click above on the book titles or email me at buzzdmalone@gmail.com

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Friday, February 22, 2013

Writers War

So, when I started this new blog, I knew that I had to expand my readership beyond my regular readers (hi mom!), and the followers of my now retired political satire blog (greetings comrades). People started pushing the little Google + button when they liked something.
Being curious in nature, I thought that it would be wise to investigate this mysterious Google + thingy and see where it led.
I logged on, started a profile, and discovered hundreds of communities that I never knew existed before.
There were a number specifically for writers and authors, too. Like a babe in the woods, I joined several of them, innocently seeking to share in the knowledge of the groups.
One of the groups I joined was called the Writer's Discussion Group. It seemed like a nice enough group at first, too...before IT happened...
Moderators at the Writer's Discussion Group on Google+ (okay, not really. They didn't have Segways).

NEW PERSON: Hello everyone.

MODERATOR: Please read the rules to the left before posting.

ME: Rules were meant to be broken.

MODERATOR: These rules were not meant to be broken.

NEW PERSON: I'm not planning on breaking any rules.

ME: Yes, but when you do, it will be helpful to know which one you're breaking, so I think that you should read them, you know, before you break them.

MODERATOR: Do not break the rules. You will be removed from the room.

NEW PERSON: I'm not.

ME: How do you know, if you haven't read them yet? I knew you were a rule breaker when you came in here. I could tell by the way that you posted.

NEW PERSON: What are you talking about? I didn't come here to break any any stupid rules.

ME: Then why didn't you read them before you posted? And now you're saying the rules are stupid. We value our rules here. We like to learn them...and then break them.

               *You have been removed from this community*

That's when I was banished into the world wide web wilderness of Google+, left to fend for myself without the shelter and protection of a community group. For forty years (or forty minutes, or maybe it was four, I don't really remember now) I wandered alone...
 ...and then inspiration struck me. I would form a community of my own and name it Literary Agents Hate Kittens, after my most popular blog post to date, and I would link to it here. And, my group would be a place for authors and writers to come and post anything they wanted to (until Google has us removed).
And the followers in my cult (err, I mean, the members of the community) would be as if a loyal army, unleashing terror into the hearts of the moderators of the Writer's Discussion Group...
...you know, the group that has allegedly conspired with literary agents to keep me silenced. 
Even now, I suspect that the moderators from that group are seeking to read my thoughts, calculating and plotting against me. But, I've stumbled across some other things that are share worthy for writers and readers on Google+ communities too...
Humor writer, retired Dr. Timothy Hurley
Like, Timothy Hurley. Timothy has a unique comedic style. He is outdated, nonsensical, totally random and bizarre, and I love it. WARNING: If you are a younger person, you may need a reference guide to get all of his pop culture references from 1930.

Author, Editor, and All Around Guru, C.P. White
C.P. White has authored more novels than I care to count. He has a random comedic style (I'm starting to see a trend here) to his words that I enjoy, and with literally thousands of writers out there authoring blogs about how to do this, or how to do that, C.P.'s are some of the best that I have encountered. His How To Be a Good Writer Series on his site blog are second to none.
Link to C.P. White's Blog and Website
Chris White Amazon Page

Author, Journalist, Editor, and Publicist, Amy Eyrie
One of the best technical writers I have encountered in a while, Amy's book entitled, Pet Sitter, is not in my preferred reading genre, but I definitely intend to read it anyhow. Not only due to my being a huge fan of her style of writing, but also the result of the rave reviews her work is getting on Amazon. Also, Amy's site has a great piece on giant squid (trust me, just read it) that combines elements of literary classics with the feel of the Discovery channel, to create an intriguing read that I highly recommend.
Amy Eyrie's Amazon Page

 The world is full of incredible and talented people. The point of the whole Literary Agents Hate Kittens thing, is a farcical way of saying that to become a part of the traditional and established written community is the equivalent of winning the lottery. Sure, you can go and buy the Fifty Shades trilogy at your local Wal-Mart OR you can put the slightest bit of effort into it, find what you enjoy, and choose from among the thousands of incredibly talented authors and writers who are out there waiting for you, and who will personally and genuinely appreciate every single individual who ever chose to read one their books, or one their articles, or one of their blogs (or 'follow' their blogs, hint, hint).

Thank You For Reading,

Buzz Malone


  1. Okay. Okay. You convinced me to follow your blog. I think it was the Literary Agents thing or maybe the Moses image or maybe those Segway dudes with guns. Whatever it was, I'm in, but I hate those rules to the left.

  2. The only rule here, C.Lee, is there are no rules.

    Once you have relinquished your given name unto me (we will call you #23 from now on), signed over all of your personal belongings (as well as the rights to future sales of all of your books), and drank some of my delicious Kool-Aid, you will then experience complete and total freedom.

    I suppose since you've 'followed' my blog, that now you'll expect me to run on over to


    and follow your blog as well? And then you'll probably want me to talk about your young readers book, ALLIGATORS OVERHEAD, and give a link to in on Amazon:


    Well, I'm NOT going to do any of that stuff, C.LEE!

    Thanks for Reading!

  3. I think perhaps my favorite line was:


    I find that to be hill air eeee ouzz. See how I used a double z there. It helps to know how to write in gangsta rappage (pronounce that the French way).

    Anyway Buzz, I'm finding more and more peeps that these days that are my kind of peeps. You and me are peas in a really weird pod. A space pod. Whatever you do, don't watch any sixties scifi cinema. You'll only see us.

    Great piece here. I'm singing my Loooooved Iiiiiiit song now.

  4. Wow. I can't believe that you loved this piece, C.P. It felt so uninspired while I was writing it, too. I wonder if it didn't have something to do with that huge photo of you in it? Nah.

    I am reminded of the time I was walking out of a convention hall after listening to a motivational speaker.

    "Didn't you just love that speech?" asked a friend.

    "Not really," I replied.

    "What wasn't there to like about it?"

    Well," I said thoughtfully, "I find that more and more, I am only interested in two kinds of speeches."

    "What kind of speeches are those?" he inquired.

    "The ones that I am giving, and the ones that are about me," I replied.

    I'm glad that you liked my speech, C.P.

    Thanks for Reading!!!!!!!!! (C.P. hates exclamation points)

  5. I'm in.
    PS I might willing read Pet Sitter.

  6. That would be great, Kathy. I'm sure that Amy would appreciate that and love to hear more feedback. I have a backlog of reading at the moment, but I plan on ordering a copy next week anyways.

  7. Hey, Buzz, there's something about your writing, I can't put my finger on it. That whole section below the photo of the doofus in the hat is awesome writing.
    What illegal and immoral act do I have to do now?
    BTW the world existed, birds sang, and people screwed long before REM, Beyonce and whatever sorry-ass bands got hot after I couldn't stand them any more. Ha, never heard of Frank Sinatra, didya? Never mind, I didn't like him. When a band as good as Pink Floyd comes along, I'm sure Google will let me know. Boomers Rule!

  8. "only interested in two types of speeches" . Anyone who says that's not how they truly feel, is lying.... either to themselves, or to the rest of us.
    I commend you, for your honesty.

  9. Tim, it happens that I know a little bit about Sinatra, but I've always leaned a little more in the direction of Tony Bennett myself.

    Laurie, thank you. That entire conversation is completely true. It really happened, and came to be know among my former colleagues as the "two-speeches" speech.

  10. Buzz! You probably cannot tell but I am blushing through the pixels right now. I made it into a Buzz Malone Blog Post!!! So exciting :)

    1. Amy! Yeah, it's sort of like having your name spray painted in graffiti outside of a D.C. bus station, only opposing gang members won't hunt you down and kill you for defacing their colors when you're name makes it up on my wall.

      Make sure to take a good look at the new Amazon Carousel atop the page, too. I think there is something of yours spinning round on the ole wheel o fortune.

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  12. Loved laughing literally and leisurely lulling the length of your (b)log. :)

    1. Are you implying that it was too long, Mary? Or simply practicing the use of all your 'L' words? Either way, I appreciate you stopping by! Thanks for reading! -Buzz-

  13. I can't tell you how sorry I am that I missed that conversation in the WDG.

    I wondered where you'd gone.

    I was worried that you'd read my profile and realized I was talking about Aikido when I offered to flip you for a guest blog spot during Fat White Guy Writers' Week.

    Good to see you've recovered from the trauma of being removed from the community.

    1. J.D.! Well, now it's official. With your post here, I have now seen your name on EVERY writer's blog in existence!

      It's J.D. Hallowell everyone! He's the one who...wait a minute, you;ve probably already read all about him somewhere else. I digress.

      Anyhoo...thanks for stopping by and reading, J.D.! And what can I say about WDG, except that war is hell?

      P.S. I just had to Google Aikido. I think I'd be more of a Sumo man myself these days. Thanks for reading!

  14. CP White insists I will enjoy your blog. I think he should stop telling me how I will feel. I can't ever use "Your Mom" jokes with him because she reads his blogs. ~ Esau

    1. Esau,

      Please, let me be the first to apologize that we had to meet under these circumstances...having been forced together on what amounts to an uncomfortable blind date by the likes of C.P. White.

      I am happy to inform you that, while my mom also reads my blogs, it seems highly unlikely that she knows how to open the comments by clicking on the word 'comments' beneath them. That having been said, feel free to use this as a forum to express any negative thoughts or feelings that you've been having about C.P. White.

      Thanks for reading,


  15. You are a funny guy! I really enjoyed your post. Consider yourself followed!

    1. Sweet! Thank you Vashti! And thanks for reading!