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Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Old Man Rant

"Back in my day..."
Okay, I need you all to be mentally prepared. I am going on an old man rant. If you'd rather focus on more positive things and choose not to entertain the negativity of others...then you should probably start reading another blog...now!
So, I just got back from town (that's right, I'm a country mouse), and gas has went up AGAIN! It's like it's peak time in August or something, or some big holiday weekend is coming up and they just know they can stick it in just a little deeper and we'll pay up, because we've already made plans to go to Aunt Edna's house in Cleveland (and why else would anybody go to Ohio?), and if we don't show up then mom is going to refuse to speak to us for another six months, and the last guilt trip you went on like that one was slightly worse than the time you had to go friggin' Ohio on a three day weekend.
It cost like seventy bucks to fill up. That's not some big SUV either. It's a little car. Seventy dollars! Seventy dollars isn't a gas fill up for a little car...it's some small monthly bill, like cable, or the water bill (if you left the spigot on outside for a night and forgot about it) or something, but not a lousy tank of gas.
NO! Not that kind of five bucks...the other kind!

I need to tell you something, but it's sort of embarrassing, so let's just keep this between us. Last week I had to drive to the city to do some work. I didn't have any cash on me except for five bucks (dollars), but I wasn't worried about it because I was picking up a payroll check that afternoon, and then I'd be basking in wealth and unimaginable riches for about five minutes, or as long as it took me to get to the bank and then the nearest gas station, and put half my check into my empty tank... 
DO NOT under any circumstances attempt to copy, paste and print this image of a five dollar bill. It is illegal as shit and armed federal agents will bust down your door and more than likely, shoot you in the kneecaps. It is, however, perfectly legal to sell a gallon of gas for this much and make as much profit as you like on the transaction, because that's okay, no matter who gets hurt in the process, because that's capitalism and it is beautiful and paying five bucks for a gallon of unleaded is what keeps us all totally free, and if we managed to buy, or produce our gas for cheaper somehow then the terrorists would win, even though OPEC is more than likely using the proceeds from the transaction to fund the next wave of suicide bombers even now.
So, I get to the city and low and behold, my gas light comes on (ding). Which ironically enough, never comes on when the tank is full, as if to congratulate me, but only when the damned thing is empty (and therefore should be called a no gas light). Anyhow, I pull into a station, proudly unfold the wrinkled up five in my pocket, and pumped gas for about a second and a half...and ran over by eight cents because who in the hell can stop it evenly on a rounded dollar when gas is fifty bucks a God damned gallon?!?!
And this is the best part: I put the five in, dig beneath the front seat for spare change to cover the overage, skulk into the gas station and wait in line, give the clerk my five dollars, and return to my car. I start the engine...and the God damned gas light is still on! For those of you not paying attention...the light just came on...I put in five bucks...and the light was still on! Here comes the old man rant...
Back in my day...we would put five bucks in the gas tank (yes, I really do remember guys that filled your tank like this)...
And use the change from a twenty (and a fake I.D.) to buy enough beer to last us all weekend. That's right, beer and gas on a twenty, kiddos. And now, today, a twenty gets you just enough gas to get to the next station.
And, as it turns out, no matter who the president is, this guy is still wearing a big, shit eating grin on his face...
 And him and his buddies are getting richer and richer, while my five bucks (not the deer kind) is worth less and less every day, and now they're telling me there is going to be a hamburger shortage! A hamburger shortage! The guy on the news said that a beef shortage is coming, and higher beef prices are on the way. 
Now, I have tried to avoid being political on this blog. But they have taken away the beer money portion of my allowance through their higher gas prices. I'll be damned if they are taking my red meat. If beef prices go the way of gas, then by God, fat men like me throughout this great nation will come together and rise up! 
And then we'll probably sit back down again, because who in the hell has the energy to start a revolution, and I think that fat show is on tonight anyways, where the contestants are all trying to lose weight, and what's better than sitting back with a big bag of cheesy poofs and watching other fat people run on treadmills while we relax?
BUT...mark my words...we won't be very happy about it!  And without red meat or affordable gas, our children will be in much better shape than us from eating fish and walking all the time, and they will rise up and...
 ...Okay, screw it. I'm starting another novel. Wake me up when the revolution gets here, will you?

Thanks for Reading,

Buzz Malone


  1. Thanks for the laugh this morning! I remember my first tank of gas costing less than $20.Not much, mind you, but less than $20.

  2. You're welcome Jennifer! The times, they are a changing.

    Thanks for reading,