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Thursday, February 21, 2013

My Computer Friend

from my inbox today:
Good morning to you, my dear one. 

Can i confide in you?

Dear Friend,

Please read this e-mail very gently and quietly. It's just my urgent need for foreign partner assistance, as i can not undertake this deal without using a responsible person living outside this country that made me to write you for this interpersonal relationship. I choose to reach you through this means because it still remains the secret and fastest medium of communication. However, this correspondence is private.  I got your mail in my recherches from the chambers of commerce of this country.

My name is Mrs. Mariana TINIRAU, from French Polynesia Tahiti. I am currently working in the Auditing and Accounting unit of a bank, where i discovered a  floating sum of (€4.450,000 .00 Euros) of one of the bank clients, who died in a Plane crash on Monday the 7th of September 1998 GMT 14:22 UK alongside with  his wife, only son and only daughter while they were flying from New York to Geneva. I required your assistance to move the abandoned money out of the bank to your designated country bank. I don't want anything that will lead to trace, so that they will not notice that i am the one given you all the information, so that i will not lose my job as the Auditing and Accounting unit of this bank, as i have see the way this deal is going to work out as soon as you submit the form application, my bank here will approve this money in your name without notice. 

Hence, am inviting you for a business deal where this money can be shared between us in the ratio of 60/40. 60% of the money would be for me, while 40% will be allocated to you. If you are capable to handle this deal/claim independently on my behalf in the bank. The money has been here in our Bank lying dormant for years now without anybody coming for the claim of it. I want to release the money to you as the relative to the deceased customer (the account owner). The Banking laws here does not allow such money to stay more than 15 to 16 years, because the money will be recalled to the Bank treasury account as unclaimed fund by government. By indicating your interest I will send you the full details on how the business deal will be executed.

NB: Please respond urgently and make sure you keep this secret and confidential.

Your Faithfully
Mrs. Mariana TINIRAU

My Response:
Dear Mariana,

I can only assume that you are one of my 1,489 friends from google plus. You must be just as upset as I was to discover that I have been blocked by those bastards in the community, Writer's Discussion Group. Not to worry though, because I have orchestrated a plan whereby I have started my own group called Literary Agents Hate Kittens, and I am actively clicking the names of each one of the 9,000 members of the opposition group to eventually win them over, turn them against the group moderators, and see it ultimately destroyed. This, no doubt, gives you great joy.

I understand that you cannot "undertake this deal without using a responsible person living outside this country," and you can have every faith in knowing that you have reached the most responsible person in the google plus community, Literary Agents Hate Kittens. I mean, if you've ever chatted with C.P. White, you know that he is far from responsible (however, he did author a children's book about The Great Jammy Adventure, so if he has kids then he may be at least partially responsible, but if he doesn't have kids, well, that's just sort of creepy, am I right?), and don't even get me started on that Doc Hurley character.

I'm sorry to hear about that family who died in the plane crash, but you have to figure that anyone with that much money and a private plane has probably screwed enough people along the way to have it coming, if you know what i mean. I'm not sure what this thing (€) is, but I am assuming that it is foreigner for a dollar sign or something. 4.4 million euros sure sounds like a lot of money though, unless it is in like Chinese yen or something, and it takes a million of them to make a dollar, and if that's the case then it's only about four bucks, and I've got that much money in beer cans that i haven't redeemed yet, because here they are worth a nickel, and there is talk that they are going to do the same with water bottles, but I haven't heard anything out of the state legislature this session about it, so it might not actually happen.

I am excited about doing this deal, though, and as soon as I get a few things cleared up with bank here, I think that we should be good to go. I bought a carton of cigarettes the other day (I know they're very bad for me and I should quit, but it is practically my only vice and I have to think that nobody is going to live forever, so if I enjoy them I should just keep on keeping on, if you get my drift), and it turns out that I had forgotten about a check I sent. When the bank realigned my statement, I had three over the limit charges, even though there should have only been just the one, but they rearranged it so that the smaller ones went through last, so now I am stuck with a God damned $33 charge for a four dollar purchase of a pop and a King Sized Hershey's bar (another vice, if I'm being totally honest.

Anyways, to clear up my account and make it active and able to accept your funds, I need about $350 American first. It will probably be less, because my Amazon Kindle payment is due for the e-books I've sold, so it will probably only be like $340, I'm thinking. If you could send me that $340 in American dollars, and not that other stuff you talked about, because it looks sort of like Monopoly money and the local bank tellers would probably just laugh me out of the place, then I could clear up my account and have it ready to accept the funds. I am very excited about this.

I know that it is usually not considered a very good idea to send cash through the mail, but since we trust each other, I think it would be best that way, because it doesn't leave a trail. So, I am including my address below. You don't even need a street address because the lady at the post office here knows me, and she will make sure that I get it. So, thanks a lot. I really appreciate you thinking of me. And don't forget to tell all your friends about my new google plus group, Literary Agents Hate Kittens.

I'll be expecting that $340, and I'm calling the bank today to tell them not to suspend my account because I have a friend in the banking industry who is sending me the money to take care of it. Thank you again for thinking of me.
Buzz Malone
Chariton, Iowa 50049
The United States of America


  1. Why don't you set up a Kickstarter campaign for that $340? Anyone who contributes, like, $25 can have one of your cigarettes. For $50, they can have one of your half-smoked cigarettes, with your actual DNA on it and everything. For $100, you'll wear lipstick while you half-smoke it.

    I think you can make a real success of this. And then you can buy this bridge I have the deed to.

    Always here to help,
    Marian Allen
    Fantasies, mysteries, comedies, recipes

  2. I like the way you think, Marian. But my DNA is far more valuable than that. I'm afraid if the Chinese got hold of it, they would have a factory full of eight year old slave laborers churning out Buzz clones, and while the world might ultimately be a much better place as the result, my readers would be tempted to buy the works of the Buzz knock-offs at Wal-Mart instead, and damn it, I need that ten bucks a month.