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Thursday, February 21, 2013

Breaking News: Undead is Dead

Good evening (or afternoon, or possibly even morning, even though it seems highly unlikely that I would have got out of bed early enough to have this out by then), there is late breaking news today, as reports from New York indicate that the literary phenomenon of books about zombies, vampires, and other undead creatures... is finally over.
We're sorry to interrupt your regularly scheduled broadcast of that show where overweight people are crying while they run on treadmills, and you watch from your sofa while eating a bag of cheezy poofs, but this story is taking the world by storm, as reports are flooding out of New York about the undead finally having been laid to rest. Let's go live to our girl on the street...Street Girl, what can you tell us about the situation there?
Well, Bob. People in New York are taking it pretty hard. But we have confirmed it, that the decade long phenomenon of almost every author in the country writing young adult novels about thousand year old vampires who are obsessed about engaging in platonic relationships with teenaged girls, is officially over. That also includes the same stories where the word 'vampire' has been replaced by 'zombie' or 'werewolf.' Also, our sources say that J.R.R. Tolkein is apparently dead, so anything new being released about hobbits is probably going to be some form of unimaginative regurgitation.
That sounds pretty serious, unnamed blonde girl who will be replace by a twenty-something before you turn thirty-five and start to lose your looks, what can you tell us about your sources?
Well, the other girl just got replaced, but I just spoke to a big time New York literary agent on the condition of anonymity, and she has confirmed the report. Here is that interview...
My assistant's cat was out sick with hairballs today, so I actually looked at some stuff in our slush pile. It's fun because we make the authors format it to our specifications and use a special font that you can only get by ascending a mountaintop in the Himalayas, and I was spam form rejecting everything that didn't have the words 'vampire' and 'young adult' in the subject line, and I accidentally spilled my nine dollar foaming mocha latte with all natural hazelnut extract, and it really bummed me out, and I got to thinking, 'that totally bums me out,' and then I realized that vampires bummed me out too, and I thought that they are totally yesterday, so I called my friends at the big six publishing houses on a conference call and told them that I was bummed out about zombies and vampires and undead things, and they said that they totally were too.
Wow. That's pretty spectacular. What happened next? What did you decide would be the next big thing?
We talked about it, you know, trying to decide what we were going to conspire to make people read next, by automatically rejecting everything that didn't fit into our predetermined molds, and we haven't quite put our fingers on it yet, but it might be ghosts again because they are technically dead already, and the whole undead thing is totally over, or it might be something else, but it definitely won't be, you know, just plain old boring literature, because ewww. But, we are totally willing to look at any ideas that author's might have.
And, my assistant's cat should be back tomorrow, and she is really good, you know, at reading stuff, and she only pushes a paw on the spam form rejection button if it isn't worthy of my very special and knowing, magical eyes, so go ahead and submit some original ideas to her. But make sure to read my thousand page blog first, and remember the Tibetan font when you query or you will be automatically spam form rejected.
There you have it folks. You heard it here first. The undead have finally been laid to rest. Now, back to your sofas and cheezy poofs and that guy who lost four whole pounds this week.

Thanks for Tuning In.



  1. Oops. Sorry Taylor. I didn't know that you were going to be dropping by today.

  2. This is NOT good news for me. I need people to read about vampires!

  3. Catherine, it's okay. You can use your Word Search Tool to find the word 'vampire' and you can simply replace it with 'handsome, troubled young man' or possibly 'ghost' and then your story of platonic teenage love (I'm guessing here) will still flow nicely and fit into the new next big thing. Thanks for Reading!

  4. Funny... I agree, there are WAY too many zombie stories on the market. However, I only hope that mine manages about five minutes of fame and a few hundred copies before the death-throes are complete. The problem today is that there is just too much crappy fan-fiction and no interesting spins on the old idea. In Byron: A Zombie Tale, the zombies are actually a side-story. The story is largely an exercise in character development as Byron gets infected and then has to learn to deal with the fact that he is actually dead. He is also very much troubled by the need to save and protect his friends. There are some other twists thrown in as well. So, please don't think this another crappy pop-culture tribute to undead in love *cough* warm bodies *cough,* but instead a unique work of fiction. Hey, for $0.99, it's not that big of loss if you think it totally sucks!


  5. Scott, masterfully done. Way to turn my piece about praying for the death of zombie books, into a shameless plug for your zombie book. Talent is one part of the formula for successful writing, and tenacity is another. Best of luck to you, Scott.

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    I can, however, tell you what the NEW genre is and the BUZZ WORDS that publishers ARE looking for! NEW ADULT *SEX/SEXY* books that have the main character a HUNK of a MUSCLED man, OR, a gentle man who is HOT! Then we have a shy, introverted girl from a dysfunctional family who is brought OUT of her shell by that HUNK OF A MAN!!!! They do things sexually, and this IS THE RAGE!!!!! However, this is NOT FOR THE YOUNG ADULT GENRE ANYMORE!
    You see, it does NOT fit the YA genre, so they have invented a NEW ADULT genre for those books! (Actually, for the TALENTED WRITERS, they ARE pretty good). I say 'talented'. One in particular - Colleen Hoover.
    Has the 50 Shades of BLAH brought it on? I think so!!!!! Why, it's almost been 1 year since HER TRILOGY has been on the NYT Best Seller list!! UGH!!! HOW MANY MORE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BUY THESE BOOKS, I ASK? UGH!! I am sick and tired of posting HER books on my Sunday weekly column, thank you! Yes, it remains THERE with ALL of it crappy reviews and everything!!! People have GREAT choices in literature today!!!!! NOT!!!!! SEX SELLS!
    Yes, that ENTIRE list, almost, not entirely, because the other books are James Patterson's novels, LOL! The 20+ he put out there this year! People think he's a MAGIC MAN the way he can write SOOOO fast!!!! What they don't realize is HE HAS A CO-AUTHOR AND JAMES PATTERSON DIDN'T EVEN WRITE THAT NEW BOOK!!! He may NOT HAVE EVEN LOOKED AT IT!! TA, DA!!! LOL!!!
    Oh, I could go on!
    LOVE your article!! I AM glad publishers are NOT looking for those titles anymore! MAYBE one day I'll be able to remove that OFF of the "Genres I do NOT review are:" Doubtful. The Independent Authors are STUCK IN A TIME WARP! LOL!!!!
    Now Time Travel with the Publishers is STILL BIG! LOL!
    Thanks, great article!
    Laurie Carlson
    laurieisreading at gmail dot com
    From an Adult Contemporary Fiction and more Blog Reviewer!

    1. Thank you for that very inspired comment, Laurie. I was beginning to think that I was the only person alive who read other people's blogs and left 1,000 word comment responses.

      Something else that I've been reading about lately is the emerging genre referred to as Boomer Lit, or books for the Boomer generation, which I am thrilled about because that would probably be the best fit for most of my work to date.

      Anyhow, thank you again for reading, and for leaving the comment. My post may have been in humor, but it also reveals the frustration that many of us feel about how the industry follows these trends right off the side of a cliff.

      Thanks again for reading,