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Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Another Novel? You're Insane!

"I'm going to write a novel and it will be brilliant. Then you'll see. Then you'll be sorry. I'm not crazy, damn it, I'm a writer!"
Paraphrased from Wiki: Psychosis refers to an abnormal condition of the mind, and is...described as involving a "loss of contact with reality." Psychosis is given to the more severe forms of psychiatric disorders, during which hallucinations and delusions and impaired insight may occur.

"Just let me finish this chapter. Then I'll be happy to do whatever else it is I am supposed to be doing."
 Anyone who decides to write a book is, by definition, psychotic. Writing a novel, in particular, requires one to suffer from delusions (in believing in it enough to write it in the first place), hallucinations (creativity on steroids and huge doses of caffeine), and completely impaired insight (as it pertains to reality, as opposed to the fictional characters and world that exist only within your mind).

"Well, this doesn't make any sense at all. This person must be insane. You say they spent how many months working on this?"
The only saving grace that we have as writers, from being institutionalized, is that nobody can actually see inside of our brains while we are working on a story.

I'm going to do those right after my main character meets her love interest. Honest."
Even though some of the other parts of our lives may reflect things a bit more clearly, like when the kids have started eating their cereal out of coffee cups in the morning...

"That orange shirt still looks clean. You've only worn it twice this week."
 Or, when you're 2/3 done with that first draft, and have begun to redefine the word, 'clean' as it pertains to pants and how many times you've worn that pair already. After all, if you've only worn them three days, and you never actually left the keyboard with them on, and the only stain is from coffee, then how dirty can they really be?

"But, we don't want pizza again. Please, make us a meatloaf and some vegetables?"
Or, when you take a quick break from writing, rush to the kitchen to grab a banana, and remember that it was your turn to make something for dinner.

"Are you in there? I thought that we go out and catch a movie tonight?"
And somewhere along the line, while you are working on a book, you've actually started hiding from people. No, they're not strangers either. They are friends and family and people who, under normal circumstances, you would love to go and hang out with, but you've just got to finish this novel...

"Dear Lord, please let me finish the first draft of this world changing novel about vampire bunnies before I die (the kids can edit the damned thing later if they want the royalties)."
  ...before you die. That's when you know for absolute certain that you are a writer. It is when you wake up and discover that you have developed a profound fear of death, but not for the sake of death itself, but only as it pertains to occurring before The Book is finished. Because at this point, it would be bad if you actually perished, but it would be unthinkable if the book never got completed.

Note to self: remember to pick up some bottled water next time you go out.
Somewhere along the line, you've completely forgotten to pay the water bill too, because the last time you went to make coffee, nothing came out of the tap. It's not because you don't have the money. You just forgot to pay it.

And because you don't have the money either, of course, because you're really counting on sales from the upcoming novel, or the award money from that writing contest, or payment for the eight hundred pieces of content that you've written for those start-up websites. But you can't think about that stuff right now, because you've got to finish writing this novel before you die.

And when it is finished, and you finally emerge from your cave, and see one of the friends that you've been ignoring, and they ask you something profound like, "How's it going?" or "What have you been up to?" it takes a while to respond, because the sound of a human voice seems a little strange, and the question seems mundane, and puzzling, and possibly a trick of some sort (be careful not to admit that you're writing another novel, for God's sake. The last three never did get published. They'll think you're mad), and besides, you've got editing to think about, and queries and a synopsis....

Independent Canadian Author Megan Denby, eh?
And speaking of crazy authors...let me introduce you to Megan Denby. Megan caught my attention recently with her blog post entitled, "My First Time" (link below). 

So, I looked at her picture, read the title of the post, and said...okay, I'm in. Click. You'll have to check it out for yourself. That's really all that I can say about it in mixed company and all, what with little children and young adult authors running about.

Megan's book, A Thistle in the Mist,  inspired by her Scottish Grandmother, is HOT off the 2013 presses and has been receiving a nice run of Five Star reviews already. What the reviews are saying... 

"I lost my heart and three days of my life to A Thistle in the Mist. It is the fastest read I've ever had!
...Denby is a master storyteller."

Megan's links:

Thanks for reading, everyone.

Buzz Malone
Delusional Author


  1. You are an incredibly brilliant writer, Buzz Malone, and I'm not just saying that because you used an ok picture of me. Thank you, thank you! :D

  2. "...an incredibly brilliant writer..."
    Raves Canadian Literature Ambassador Megan Denby.

    That is going on the back jacket of my next novel. Just like that!

    You're welcome, and thank you, Megan! Hopefully, my regular reader (hi mom!) will order your book and leave you an awesome review. It looks wonderful.

    Thanks for reading!


  3. Your writing touches me on the shoulder like a gentle grandfather leading me into his parlor (did I really use that word?) to a cozy chair and a sweet steaming cup of tea while he makes me smile and laugh with his stories. Your love of writing, storytelling, and humor shines through your words. Thank you for entertaining your readers.

    1. Awww, why thank you so much, Carmen. THAT was an incredible compliment. It is not often that this fat old man is incited into blushing, but you have done it. Thank you again for your kind words, and above all, thank you for reading.


  4. Always a sucker for a blonde!