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Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Old Piss & Moan

So, I had to go back to the big city yesterday to take a physical and pee test, because what working class gig doesn't start out that way nowadays?
For legal purposes, I can't name any names, of course...but I find that only the best "medical" facilities are located in either strip malls or, in this case, an industrial complex.
I was told that my "appointment" was at 8:00am, so I got there a little before then and discovered something that looked a lot like this waiting just outside the doors as they were being unlocked.
It might not have been so bad, except that I had drank somewhere in the neighborhood of eight cups of coffee and held them all in, because I knew that I had this here important "appointment" scheduled.
When I got through the line, I was greeted with a multiple page form to fill out. About ready to piss in my britches, I rushed through the paperwork and ran it back to the front desk. I was told to have a seat.
The waiting room was packed full of people by then and the only thing in the room was a drinking fountain on the wall. There weren't any public restrooms available. Only the room full of working men waiting their turns, and these God damned drinking fountains.
Every so often, one of the guys would get up and take a drink from on of them, you know, because they were nervous about being able to take a leak when their turn finally rolled around. To me, it sounded a lot like this every time the water flowed into the fountain.
Half an hour later they called my name. I hurried up to the counter (because I had to piss so bad) and they had me fill out yet another form, then gave me a little ticket. The ticket had my name, what time it was at that moment, and my expected wait time, which said half an hour, but turned out to be over one full hour from then.
The little ticket with my name on it reminded me of another super awesome customer service encounter I'd had with another well known name brand in customer service excellence.
I had walked into a long, empty room in a government building because I had a simple question about how much income tax you owed when you were a writer and your income was a negative number. There wasn't anyone else around and when I got up to the woman at the teller window, she told me I had to get a number... which was in the dispenser way back by the door.
I walked all the way back, got a numbered ticket, and then returned to the window where she told me I would have to wait until my number was called. Like a scene from a movie, she looked all around the otherwise empty room and called my number out, as if it could have been anyone's.
Anyways, back to the "medical" facility. During the course of my wait, a guy comes in with a hand wrapped in bandages. It's bleeding through the bandages when he walks up to the counter. Not to worry though, because he got the same form that I had received, followed up by the same ticket.
He was still waiting when someone emerged from the back room and rolled my urine swollen body into the back. It was after 10:00am, a full two hours after I arrived for my "appointment" and an hour after I had begun plotting to retrieve my drivers' license from the clipboard behind the counter...
...and relieve my bladder in their lobby.

For the purpose of full disclosure, I am pleased to report that I had absolutely no difficulty whatsoever in filling the cup up to the required mark.
That was followed by the remainder of the totally non-invasive examination where a series of medical "professionals" usher you from one part of the assembly line to the next, examining you, not to determine your medical well-being...
...but working on behalf of a perspective employer (or their insurers) to determine your eventual eligibility to land that highly sought after, eight dollar an hour gig down at the widget factory.
...And I think to myself...What a Wonderful World. And I also think to myself, how in the hell did it ever come to this, with all of us suffering a growing multitude of indignities every day, just as part of the natural course of getting through our daily lives. Can it be that this, this world run by insurance and healthcare conglomerates, is the ultimate expression of human civilization and the end result of millions of years of evolution? Is this what it was all for? Is it?
Maybe it's just me, still upset about having my bladder unnecessarily stretched like a weather balloon in a facility that over schedules "patients" and doesn't even provide you with a public restroom. If it's just me and I'm crazy then tell me. I'll believe you at this point. But just in case I'm not completely insane yet...  
Thanks for the memories, unnamed "healthcare" facility! Now, who wants to bet that their legal department is faster than their customer service?

Thanks for Reading,


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