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Welcome to the blog and site of Iowa Author Buzz Malone. I always enjoy hearing from readers. Please leave comments and send me emails to let me know what you think. Your opinions matter more than you might think. Your words inspire me more than you could ever know. To find out more about my writing and books, please click above on the book titles or email me at buzzdmalone@gmail.com

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Thursday, January 17, 2013

America the Awesome

One of the coolest things about creating a space like this one, is knowing it is there for the entire world to share in, and not just my regular readers (hi mom!). This blog, albeit almost brand new, has already been visited by readers from Germany, the U.K., France, Sri Lanka, the Ukraine, Brazil, Canada, Russia, and a host of other countries. But, yesterday, something very unusual occurred...
Someone from China had clicked on to the site (I have since named her Chao-Xing)! Now, I've created a lot of sites in the past, as my more faithful followers know (thanks for staying with us, mom), and it is very rare to get a hit from China...
because they have their own internet (that I assume looks something like this) and aren't allowed to use the rest of the supposed world wide web because we Americans, especially, have a tendency of giving good kids bad ideas.
But, I felt bad too, because I knew that someone had circumvented the Chinese internet police, clicked quickly and excitedly to learn about freedom, and ended up on my silly little blog site.

And I knew that even while little Chao-Xing sat reading my blog, that the Chinese internet police force was closing in on her...
When I used to write a political satire blog (don't bother looking for it, it's discontinued), I wrote a piece about China and the unfair trade policy where we send them cash and corn and commodities and they, in return, stock our Wal-Marts with cheap little plastic trinkets, while utilizing the surplus to build up arms and make sure no one in China ever reads our dissident blogs...
And I got a really bizarre response from someone claiming to be some sort of visiting Chinese diplomat in Iowa. He ranted something about my failure to grasp the implications of the relationship between the two great nations and how, if China wanted, they could, in an instant, shut off the spigot, and collapse the world supply of plastic transformer figurines, leaving every American huddled in a fetal position in the corner, dope sick, and jonsing for their next plastic fix.
So, while I have no desire to start an international incident, or disappoint my regular readers (see photo above), I feel like I owe it to little Chao-Xing to teach her something about life in America. Chao-Xing, this one's for you...
When an American is born, it is a miracle (because it is another American baby), and people come from all around, showering the new parents with gifts of gold and money, even though they don't need the money because we are already all very rich Americans.
Because there is so much money, and every family already has so much of it, we are forced to find innovative ways to get rid of it all.
On the day an American turns sixteen, a beautiful girl (or boy for the females, or whatever for the more sexually liberated, because this is America after all, and we can be whatever we want to be and have our dreams reflected in that), anyways...a beautiful girl arrives at the house if you are indeed a heterosexual male, and brings you a new car (if you're not a heterosexual male and have been hiding something from your family, this is a good time to mention something to your family, before they see the six foot, five inch tall transsexual with the high heels and five o'clock shadow standing in the driveway). But, it is not a foreign car...
Dang it, not a foreign girl either, because we're Americans. It's an American girl bringing you an American car.
Whatever. You get the idea. It's awesome. Trust me.
And since we don't have to work (we sent all of our jobs to your country), we write novels instead. And just to make sure people will want to read them...
We throw in a few zombies, or werewolves, or thousand year old vampires who are interested in finding themselves and engaging in platonic, romantic relationships with teenaged girls.
And, because every other American buys a copy of the novel (but not because the government makes us, but because they are written by Americans and everything written by an American is awesome), we instantly become even richer (because we were already rich).
After that we all buy our dream home mansion, and spend the rest of our time eating, doing whatever we want to (because we are Americans and we are free)...
...and dressing however we want to (take a good look Chao Xing, this is what freedom looks like), and going shopping at the Walmart to buy more cheap, plastic, made in China whatnots, thus selflessly keeping the entire global economy from collapsing (your welcome, Chao-Xing).
And finally, when we get older we get jobs at the Walmart (but not because we have to because our social security is on the verge of collapse and our pensions were robbed and our 401k's were depleted in the stock market collapse or anything like that, but only because our daughter moved to New York and hardly ever calls and most of our friends high tailed to Florida the minute the kids were out of the house and we like seeing other Americans because every American is so awesome, especially the ones you meet at Walmart).
And that Xao-Ching, is what it's like to be an American! Now, watch out. The Chinese internet police are right behind you. No, really. They're right there. Turn around.

Wherever you are, thanks for reading!

-Buzz Malone-


  1. Wow, Buzz, I didn't realize what it meant to be an American until I read this... I believe that every now and again our thoughts collide and one of those atomic fusion thingys happen and a great idea comes out of it, or, at least a small glimmer of hope that some sort of storyline will emerge and blossom into something equal to The Blair Witch Project.
    Seriously, though, this was actually one of the most entertaining blogs I've read for some time. Poor little Chinese girl getting educated by rich American writer about virtues of being American all the while knowing the Internet Police were right there, watching. Hope you didn't get the poor thing arrested!
    A great blog once again. Thanks

  2. Thanks Jay, and thank you for being my only follower (mom couldn't figure out how to 'follow' the site!). You have a special place in my heart, right beside poor little Chao Xing. Actually, somewhere between Chao Xing and Thurgood Marshall, whose in there simply because, well, who doesn't love the name Thurgood? Okay, you're below Thurgood, but above Chao Xing (because she's just a made up person anyways), but you're definitely in there, anyways. Thanks for reading!

  3. Well, you now have two people following:) I enjoyed this read...it was very informative.

  4. Thank you Hally! Glad to have you on board. I always felt so bad for Jay, being all alone there in my 'followers' listing. Since you are a writer, make sure to check out my piece entitled A NOVEL REJECTION. I think it's something that every writer should read.