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Tuesday, January 29, 2013

NYC Literary Agents = The Walking Dead

I honestly don't know what I am most excited about, the fact that I have a reader, or that one of them actually took the time to email me and ask a question. Either way, I'm very impressed, so naturally, I will answer it to the best of my ability.

Reader: "Buzz, aren't you afraid that your negative attitude regarding literary agents might cause them to reject you?"

Buzz: "That's a great question, Reader. No."
Let me explain. A New York Literary Agent has no feelings (you can say whatever you want about them, and if you write something they think will sell, they're going to get their 15-20% cut, even if it is a 300 page manifesto railing against their dog). However, anything that truly has no feelings, either has a heart that is several sizes too small (and even that couldn't possibly explain spam form rejections really), or no heart at all. And I think we all know who (or what) has no heart...
That's right, the undead. It's totally true. NYC Literary Agents are most definitely the walking dead. Who else could sit at a computer and push the rejection spam button all day? What other possible explanation could there be for so many books being published about vampires and zombies and werewolves and any other undead thing? And what else could explain the damned Fifty Shades trilogy??? Only the undead could have passed that crap off as literature. 
No. I'm not afraid. One morning I'll wake up to discover that overnight, fifty million people visited my blog, and I've become THE next big thing! And NYC Agents will be falling over themselves (you know, because the undead are very uncoordinated) to sign with me...
And they'll be like, "Hey, I loved that stuff you did about agents! You are brilliant! It's so true, babe (because I figure they'd use words like babe). We have got to do business together. We could make a killing!"
And they'd be like, "Sign here, and I'll even give you a few stories about my dog. I've never liked him much anyways."

And that's that. Thanks for the question!

And thanks for reading!



  1. Everything you say I can relate to!

  2. Ack.

    I rant on occasion also...well, actually I do all the time. But in private to my dog who shrugs and licks himself.

    I'll tip-toe into your arena and give this advice: after you've made a 'name' for yourself, THEN you can snarl at the robotic agents who delete their own mother's subs. Until then...um, probably not a good idea.
    Good rant though :)
    *btw, get rid of the word verification. People in our biz hate it like ticks in the woods*
    CD Coffelt ponders at Spirit Called

  3. Dear Huntress,

    Thank you for the advice. It is very wise, indeed, and also quite impossible to argue with.

    However, I will do it anyways, because in the words of Popeye, "I yam what I yam."

    Clearly, there isn't a rush by New York literary agents to read anything I've written (this blog included), and if reading one of my rants causes an agent to feel SOMETHING, then I have accomplished in good humor what I could apparently never quite seem to do with a hundred query letters. In short, who gives a shit?

    If my rants can put a smile on some beat up writer's face and help them get through the next fifty spam rejections from new York, then to hell with it all. It was worth it.

    It is impossible for me to imagine an agent who would say, "I friggin love his work, but have you seen his blog?!?!"

    If there is an agent who would say that, then to hell with them too, because quite honestly, if they didn't have a sense of humor to begin with, the relationship probably wasn't going to last anyways.

    As per your suggestion about word verification...done and done. I turned it off... just for you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to your blog to try and make some sort of funny comment about apparently morphing dogs?? What the hell is that all about?

    Thanks for Reading!